ah, perchance to dream

Last night I had a dream. While this is not unusual, more often than not I rarely remember my dreams. Even rarer is the dream which provokes an emotional response that stays with me long after waking.

I was invited to a public mixed gathering of some kind. Not every one present was Jewish but there a number of Chassidic Jews present. In the course of the evening I was introduced to a man, a widower of many years, and a Lubavitcher. We chatted and I was surprised at often he looked directly into my eyes, and when he did, I was totally disarmed by the kindness which shone out. I had not felt such warmth since my grandfather’s passing. He asked how long I had been widowed and for the first time I was comfortable to say not only how long but how many times. I told him I had not been in the company of so many Chassids since my grandfather’s death, over a decade ago. He asked if this bothered me and I said no. Then he asked me by what Hebrew name my grandfather gave me and for the first time in a decade someone living called me, Shoshanna, and it became hard for me to breathe after he said my name.

He asked if he could see me again. I stood there weighing this over in my mind. I gave much thought to what he asked and understood full well the implications of seeing him again. This was not some causal modern undertaking with dinner and a movie but a full courtship ritual. To say yes, meant stepping way back into the past and all that it implies for me. And so, I for once in my life, I stepped back, took a leap of faith, and answered, “Oh, yes, please.”

Our date was not a dinner and a movie but a wedding celebration for another. He arrived in a car full of people and I was squeezed into the back beside him. At first, I felt incredibly awkward and embarrassed to be seated so close beside a man who was not a relative and it gave a sense of danger - this indulging in the forbidden pleasure. Never had I been so consciously aware of the presence of a man beside me, and when he spoke, I could his breathe on my check. This disarmed me and gradually I found myself relaxing for the first time in years. For once, I felt like I was exactly where I was meant to be and a great sense of peace washed over me.

On the way to the wedding, we stopped at a diner for coffee. He took me round and introduced me to everyone. The last person I was introduced to was the oldest man present. I asked him, if was a Shliach of the Rebbe. He answered yes, and asked how I knew. I answered my grandfather was a Lubavitcher. He said it was good that I came home and he would talk with me some more at the wedding. My nameless date seated me among the women and then went off to join the men. I was listening to the women talk while my eyes were busy feasting at the sight of my date across the room when just as suddenly I found myself all alone in the diner. They had gone on without me and then I woke up wishing it was more than just a dream, and if that was not to be, than I wished I could spend a lifetime, night after night, dreaming such dreams.

In real life, I have made a commitment to another, and if this dream means anything at all, I suppose it means this – dump the goy.